Penny

I found our beloved cat, Penny, dead on the floor of the basement. It looked like she died of a heart attack. She was a magical cat of the highest order, she came us to at a time in our family, when she and her sister were desperately needed. 

She took her job of caring for my eldest child seriously, she would lay on her bed protecting her. She would lick her face and sit on her chest and purr. She could smell if one of the family was sick or upset and she would find us, nudge her way onto our chest and purr us back to health.

I see her now as an angel that came to us for eight years and then left because her body wasn’t strong enough to keep her here.

I cannot tell you how sad we all are, but especially my daughter, they were soul mates those two. No one can prepare you for the loss of love and how much that rips up your heart. 

I am not sorry we adopted her and loved her so much. I feel empty without her in the house. I keep seeing her in a room , curled up on a bed or coming out of the cat door. I keep hearing her meow, then I realize she is gone. 

Grief is such a hard animal to bear, it is like you lay yourself out to the mercy of it and you writhe in wait, for the breath in between, the glimpses of light.

My heart feels so sad these days. I am questioning my belief in the order of the universe. This isn’t my first experience with this kind of thing, it has happened many times. When my father died, I gave up on God for years. And in time,  I returned with a cautious and different approach to the whole notion.

In October of 2016, I felt such a weight of heaviness descend on me and I could tell that things were about to change in a way that we could not put words to. I sent out an email asking about 16 women for their thoughts on how they were perceiving the times. I was surprised on how  many of the comments echoed the sentiment of what I was picking up on.

I even texted my boyfriend at the time and I asked him if he was ready for it, ready to be with me as we moved forward into the new changes.  He said he was, he had no idea what I was talking about and in the end, he didn’t want to move forward.

Now I am stepping over the threshold and I am saying to myself “just get to the door”, if I can through the doorway. I am sure the changes that I was picking up on in 2016 have turned into a wind, a gust of change, so forceful it will blow you over and take you somewhere new.

I do not want to pretend they are not happening and I do not want to drown in the sea of sorrows either. 

February of 2020, I had many conversations about the impending pandemic and later, many of those people I spoke to said “you were right about everything that was going to happen”. And it does often happen, I am often right in my prophecies and I am on track with this one, I promise you.  I cannot tell you the exact details, but I have identified the shape.

I wrote the second book to prepare us for these coming changes, the book was not well received.

I learned last week that I am an unusual creature and I see weird, I act odd, I notice the strange rhythms of our orders  and I am mostly unrecognized. I am not palatable, I am often rejected because I stir the fear or the grief. As I get to the door, I do not want to bother with this any longer.

I think I need to surrender trying to be something that I am certainly never going to be.. accepted. I learned that most of this country isn’t thinking like this, and that isn’t a fault. It is right for this time.

We are moving away from the old ways of thinking and being . We are moving towards something that we can’t define at this time but it will be totally diffferent. A couple weeks ago, people in this country were clear, they do not want change. They want things to stay the same. 

That is impossible. In time, it will be well known, you can’t stop the movement, the motion, it is already upon us. 

My focus now, is on how to face the changes with dignity, bravery and from a place of less fear.