I am recently back from a wonderful two day trip to Vermont. I was pleased to meet up with an old friend and colleague. We went swimming in a couple incredible parks and walked in the mountains, did yoga everyday, cooked lovely food, and we talked. It was like a perfect minute. I learned so much from her, wonderful recommendations for books, movies, career, relationship and parenting advice. It was so nourishing.
I topped off the amazing visit with a brunch with my aunt. We hashed out the whole family line and dished about family dynamics. It was a healing few hours that were much needed.
I came home and devoured an amazing memoir by Viola Davis, called Finding Me. It was epic.
I am now back at work listening to an NPR special on the changes of pregnancy and how now there is now science that proves the neurology of the changes that occur in the mother’s brain during pregnancy, a study done in 2019. The mind remolds itself during pregnancy to prepare you for mothering. You literally become more empathetic through the experience of carrying a child.
The physical demands of pregnancy are similar to the same amount of energy needed to run a marathon or complete a triathlon.
If you have been pregnant, I am sure you already knew this but now there is a study that proves it. I guarantee that it was a group of woman that ran that study.
I have lots of conflicted feelings that arise here.
Mostly, my takeaways are to value nourishing the self and loving myself deep down and for real. In Vermont I was aware of how I felt within, with both my kids away from me, in good places. Both of them growing up and moving away from the family center. I was struck with some deep feelings of grief but also some relief.
It is like I never had the time to process how it feels to be a mother, the weight of that enormous responsibility. How alone the whole experience feels. The pressure from everyone else to do it a certain way but they themselves did not adopt the true mantle of motherhood and wear it proudly.
They really just want to control something that is so powerful it puts everyone else to shame, they pale in comparison. Anger is the next emotion for me to attend to, an ember that has been ignited in my from the beginning of my motherhood journey and it stayed inside, quietly ablaze, nowhere to go. I was expected to not only be a good enough but an amazing mother, keep the house in order, remember birthday gifts and to call the doctor for an appointment next month but also to build a career from scratch at the same time.
I was compared to my colleagues on how good my practice was, my skill level, the amount of study I have done. Do you know how unfair that is to do to a woman raising children? A mother is already giving of themselves 100% and they are expected to give another 100% at work.
I am raising two children, and I built an incredible practice. It is like I am super human but invisible at the same time.
It was becoming a mother that gave me the strength to do everything. I would not let my children down. But I did not extend the same love to myself. I would sacrifice myself for the kids in heartbeat, but I was giving myself away to everyone. Wondering why it all hurt so much, why I was so exhausted, why I am so angry? I found that people like to take from a strong person, it is like they get sick pleasure from taking more from a person that is already giving more than their fair share.
Now there is public discussion about being a mother, not so much in the last decade.
I realize that the only way to really come to terms with this experience is the know the truth internally, to speak it when I can and to meld with the elusive concept of forgiveness. That is the way through. I hold the grudges often because I think the people really should have done better and even if they didn’t do better, they can be aware of their mistakes and apologize. I do not feel respect for cowards. But I am believing now that I will need to forgive the cowards as well, it is all taking up too much of energy, not serving a significant purpose.
I think many things can be true at the same time. There is room for choices and growth at once.
It may-be that even the path is set. You can travel, not having to work so hard to make it happen, more like follow the Yellow brick road. You will eventually arrive in Oz, find out the Wizard is just a Humbug and home was inside you all along.
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